You might be into Animal Sex if…..

If you can name every pet that your neighbors own without flinching you might be into animal love!

If you can recognize their sounds(meows, barks, whatever) by heart you might be into animal love!

If you name your child after your favorite animal you might be into animal love!

If you see a horse statue and it reminds you of your last lover!

If your room is cluttered with animal sex pics you might be into animal love!

If you dress like an animal EVERY Halloween you might be into animal love!

If you dream that you are fucking an animal!

If you think that were an animal in your past life!!

And my favorite one of all would be…

If you keep on visiting this site YOU MIGHT BE INTO ANIMAL SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!
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AND WELCOME TO THE CLUB!!!!!

Signs your girlfriend Suspects that You’re a Closet Animal Lover

10: When she comes over to your house, she runs into your room with a sledge hammer and bashes your German Shepherd, Shasha, all the while saying, “Stop trying to steal my boyfriend, you fucking BITCH!!!!”

9: When she comes over to your house she ignores you and snuggles up to your Schnauzer(the DOG, you pervert!!!!) says “Hello, handsome, wanna play?” in order to make you jealous.

8: She buys you a chain and a leash for your birthday and instead of the usual necktie.

7: You tell her that you went to goof off for a while and rushes to the phone, checking out all of the zoos, animal shelters and stables in the area for any “unusual activity that happened within 24 hours.”

6: She took you to the vet instead of the doctor when you got sick with the flu.

5: She won’t let you on the couch any more….

4: When you tell her you sleep with the dog, she hopes that’s all you do.

3: Whenever a hot sexy dogwalker passes by the two of you, she gets jealous of the dogs, not the chick.

2: You spend countless hours that the guy in the internet picture fucking a dog is not you and it was your evil twin brother (yeah right!!!) who is trying to break up your relationship.

And the number one sign that Your Girlfriend suspects that you are a closet Animal Lover…

1: You wake up from a wild night of having sex with her and discover that she had you locked up in a cage with a doghouse while you were sleeping.

Signs your Boyfriend Suspects that You’re a Closet Animal Lover

10: He insists on having the dog he gave you last Chirstmas be neutered at once and when asked he just mutters, “Better to be safe than sorry…”

9: He thinks that you had something to do about the way his pet eel died when you were looking after his apartment while he was away.

8: You look at his computer and notice that he bookmarked “Signs That Your Girlfriend is an Animal Lover” page from a website. You also note that he also bookmarked “Signs Your Girlfriend Suspects that You’re a Closet Animal Lover” from THIS site.

7: You have a fight with him after you and your girlfriend went to an aquarium exhibit. Later after you two made up and are having sex, he looks at you suspiciously in the eye and asks, “Honey, why does your pussy smell fishy?”

6: He won’t take you to the zoo anymore.

5: He won’t let you on the couch any more….

4: When you tell him you sleep with the dog, he hopes that’s all you do.

3: You tell him that the reason you were late was because you got detained by the police and he asks, “Which one, the Horse Patrol Unit of the K9 Unit?”

2: You spend countless hours that the girl in the internet picture fucking a dog is not you and it was your evil twin sister (yeah right!!!) who is trying to break up your relationship.

And the number one sign that Your Boyfriend suspects that you are a closet Animal Lover…

1: He growls at every dog that passes by saying, “Stay away from MY bitch, you mutts!”

Hey! I got ya another one. Enjoy!!!

A big black bud
banged a big black bear,
made the big black bear
bleed blood.

I got ya another one!!! Enjoy!!!

Peter Fucker fucked a flock of fuckered fowlers.
Did Peter Fucker fuck a flock of fuckered fowlers?
If Peter Fucker fucked a flock of fucked fowlers,
where’s the flock of fuckered fowlers Peter Fucker fucked?

And here’s another one for you to enjoy!!!!

Once a fellow sucked a foal of Yellow
In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a foal of Yellow,
“If a fellow sucks a foal of Yellow,
Can a foal of Yellow suck
a fellow sucker of a foal of Yellow?”

Hello. It is me again and I want to share to you a funny thing that happened to a friend of mine. You see he is a soldier. And since I don’t want him to come running after me with nothing less than a grenade and a Magnum Semiautomatic caliber pistol, let’s call him… Sherwin. Private First Class Sherwin, US Special Forces, stationed at…. Well, I wouldn’t want a whole battalion of grunts and officers running after my poor battered hide now, would I? So let’s just say it happened in a US Fort stationed in a desert which is also the home of a certain endangered desert tortoise that figures well in my story. Oh well, on my story…

Private First Class Sherwin and the entire fellow battalion were undergoing a desert training exercise that day. I don’t know much about the army, but I have this impression that it’s kinda like a paint ball war, only you’ll have to dig up and sleep in your own fox holes and stuff. Any way he and two of his fellow grunts were holed up in their little fox hole that night and very, VERY tired and sleepy and you would too if you had ran all around Fort Ir…. I mean, a desert area, carrying around what seemed like 50 kilograms of stuff on your back and that does not include weapons and ammo. And so, like I said, those three grunts were very tired and sleepy but like good soldiers, they decided to take shifts in night sentry. Yeah, like someone would actually come and blow them off with a rocket launcher during a TRAINING exercise in Fort Ir… I mean in their OWN Fort. But then again this is a democratic country and if our generals couldn’t see the logic in that who are we to say otherwise, huh? Well, anyhow, back to the story, PFC Sherwin chose to take the first shift, while the other two, Mike and Ian, decided to take the second and third shifts respectively.

Anyway, PFC Sherwin was there sitting and valiantly trying to stay awake while his two fox hole mates (I don’t know what else to call them…) were enjoying their sleep. Note that the word here is TRYING since PFC Sherwin was dozing off and on every few seconds. Until finally he couldn’t resist the temptations to sleep and he did. After a few minutes, someone or something knocking on his helmet rudely awakened him. A quick glance at his fellow grunts told him that they were still fast asleep and so he ignored the knocking on his helmeted head fell asleep again. And once more, he ignored it. Now would be a good time to explain that the nighttime is the time wherein the desert go out and do their ‘thing’. You know, hunt, prowl around and other nighttime acts that I shouldn’t mention. Anyway, as I said earlier, PFC Sherwin ignored the soft knocking on his helmeted head and dozed off. Unfortunately, the tapping sound woke his two fellow grunts up and people; you won’t believe what they saw next. Just above the foxhole was a medium sized desert tortoise and guess what…IT WAS HUMPING ON PFC SHERWIN’S HELMETED HEAD!

Now, people, desert tortoises are normally shy and mild-mannered turtles, unless you interrupt their males while doing… um, mating rituals, then they turn ugly on you and bite off a few of your fingers while at it. Needless to say, Privates Mike and Ian didn’t thought of that first and after getting over their snickers, which started every time they glanced at PFC Sherwin and the desert tortoise ‘private’ moment, they decided to wake the poor guy up.

Naturally, PFC Sherwin freaked out once he realized that a desert cousin of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was violating his helmeted head and jumped, knocking the poor sex crazed turtle (well you would be too if you’d lived in a hot place where the few females were probably several miles away and it will take you a couple of months to reach them, assuming that they were there in the first place.) right in the middle of his reptilian climax, and sending him to the desert ground and the poor helmet splattered with white goo. PFC Sherwin ignored his fox hole mates (that STILL doesn’t sound right…) who were on rolling out on the desert floor laughing at him and removed his helmet and placed it on the ground. He REALLY wanted to kill that fucking turtle right there now but their training officer told them that desert turtles were not to be harmed because they were endangered oh, and the fact that doing that would result in cleaning the barracks for 300 hours. So he did what any sane and ANGRY officer would to do to his subordinate AKA Privates Ian and Mike: he smacked them right in the face to shut them up!

He had just finished beating the crap out of…I mean, shutting his fox hole mates up (really need to come up with another name for it), when suddenly he heard another tapping sound. He glanced and saw the turtle humping his helmet again, though thankfully none of his own body parts was inside the much-violated army gear at of that moment. He heard snickers nearby and saw his fellow grunts looking at the turtle gleefully before finally collapsing in laughter. PFC Sherwin shook his head, he was sure that this story would be heard all around the Fort in the morning after that.

And that, my fellow animal lovers, is how the Desert Tortoise became the mascot of Fort Ir… I mean, of certain US Fort stationed in a desert.